On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
