whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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