I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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