Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
