does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
