Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Please don't give away my fajitas
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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