drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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