My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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