I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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