OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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