he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
