please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my poor anus
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
