what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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