i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize