He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
