remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
