I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
