i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
