It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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