First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
