i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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