is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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