omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
