Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
