Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
