I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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