Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
