you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
