He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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