so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
