i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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