he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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