Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
