I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
