Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
