Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We need to get me chipped asap
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
