She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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