I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
