I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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