i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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