you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
