dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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