im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
