A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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