i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
