The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
