i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Even my vagina gasped.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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