so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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