This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
