you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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