I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize