He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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