is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
