and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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