At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Someone came in the potted fern
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
