do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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