You smell like a Billy Joel song
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
