Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My cat gives me a boner
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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