we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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