So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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