I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
