Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Barsexuality is the new black.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
